forward through the fear

2019 is shaping up to be a year full of major changes for me, and for anyone that knows me, that is some scary shit. I don’t change things up so much and am a model of consistency, and sometimes borderline complacency.

So far this year, I have managed to open my heart twice. I have decided to leave my job of over ten and a half years. I have started this blog and have begun to formulate some business ideas that I hope to nurture into something that I could dedicate my life towards in the future. If that is not enough, I have also gotten back in touch with my emotions and have been doing a lot of soul-searching, really evaluating my mental state and figuring out why it took me so long to make some of these strides.

This may sound like a midlife crisis to some, and hell, maybe it is. But I have come to the realization that it was time for some change and that I want to regain control of where my life is headed.

I have come to the realization that I was living in a space between fear and complacency in many aspects of my life. I had a job that paid the bills, that I was mostly comfortable in and that I was relatively good at doing. I could have continued to do that job (adapting to a lot of recent changes and transition). In the end, that job often left me wanting for the feeling of fulfillment, appreciation, and it sucked all my energy instead of adding to it. My heart was not in it anymore and I had to force my head off of the pillow many mornings in order to go in and get it done. I knew I no longer wanted to be there and it didn’t feel like I was wanted there or that there was a future there that excited me anymore. Time to “break-up” in my book.

The relationships I pursued were both second times around with women that I had dated previously. I have a hard time with the unknown and my realization that I had been so emotionally inept the first time around left me wondering if either relationship would have worked without my emotional sabotage. I think also, by choosing them, it allowed me to stay comfortable since I already knew I had strong feelings for these women and I thought it wasn’t as much of a risk.

For me, comfort is the enemy of ambition. The relationships gave me companionship that I desire more than anything; the familiarity and reliability of something that wasn’t necessarily new. Not that my feelings were not genuine, but I loved knowing that there was some love there already, and I crave that consistency and reliability. I don’t have a large group of close friends, but a wide array of acquaintances. Thus, having that one person I can count on is extremely appealing to me.

With work, I think it was very similar. The comfort and familiarity trumped my ambition to look for something more fulfilling, and that may give me a chance to be happier, try something new and continue to learn and grow. When I have that comfort, I tend to ease into complacency all too easily.

These fears have dictated my actions for years, and ultimately, I haven’t taken major strides to take control of my life. I have allowed myself to feel victimized by circumstance and opted for convenience over risk far too often. Going forward I am working to shift my mentality to have an active role in the outcomes that I want in life. I want to find work that allows me to feel fulfilled, appreciated, or that is making a difference in ways that are important to my values and beliefs. Or, I want work that allows me the time and energy on the side to focus on those things in a manageable way. I want to find love that is truly reciprocated. It is time for me to live life instead of letting life dictate how I’m living. It is time to step into the unknown and experience new life and new passion.

To borrow a line from a cheesy TV show, The Imposters, “Always forward, never back.” Even if it scares the shit out of you.