choice

I was roughly 20 years old and my girlfriend and I had been dating for about a year or year-and-a-half. She was majoring in business and economics and dreaming of a long career in which she sported pantsuits. I was majoring in music production and dreaming of running the soundboards for major recording artists.

We thought we were being cautious with our sexual relationship. She was on birth control, but we ended up pregnant nonetheless. When we found out that she was pregnant it was a shock. We talked about how we had no way to provide for the child yet and had dreams to chase. She asked me what I thought we should do and I abstained from stating what she already knew my opinion was.

My view was that it was more of her decision to make. Although the decision would impact both of us, it was her body that would be put through a physical procedure or nine months of pregnancy (and changed forever thereafter). It was she that would have to deal with a higher proportion of the emotional fallout as well. I did not feel like my opinion was relevant regarding what her body would go through.

For her, it was a very tough decision. She was raised Catholic, and we speculated with high probability it would not have gone over well with her family. Her dad had a very short temper and could be verbally abusive at times. Her mother was the religious influence on the family, encouraging them to attend church every Sunday and to follow the Catholic moral compass in most aspects.

We were living in Ohio where there was not much access to abortion services. Aside from me, she was isolated, without any other advocates to care for her, to take her to or from the appointment, etc.

We learned of our news shortly before winter break, when we had planned to go to Mexico with my family. The timing is never good for a decision of such magnitude, but this was exceptionally poor timing. She was already planning to come to Minnesota to meet my family before traveling to Mexico together.

We decided that the best choice was to have an abortion. We wanted to complete our educations so that we could be on better footing if and when we decided to have a child. We planned for her to come to Minnesota a few days prior to the trip, and we scheduled the appointment with the clinic in advance.

From the time she arrived, there was a tension. I could tell she was hesitant and that she was feeling some inner conflict on the matter. I tried to be as supportive as possible but never felt like I could succeed. We trudged ahead with the plan and proceeded to figure out how we would carry things on without being suspected by my family or making them complicit in the decision.

I took her to the appointment and we walked past a couple of protesters that sat outside with signs. I remember them saying something as we walked in. I don’t remember exactly what because I was in such a daze thinking about what was about to occur.

The nurse came out and took her to the back. I sat in the lobby feeling rather helpless. I hoped she hadn’t felt pressured to go ahead with the procedure and I questioned if we were doing the right thing. Could we have dropped out and gotten jobs? What would our future look like with a child in tow? Sitting in the lobby felt like sitting inside a black hole that sucked my thoughts out and altered time.

When she came out, it was obvious to me that she had been crying. I had no idea what to do to comfort her. The rest of the day was a blur. I don’t recall what we did immediately after. We passed the protesters again on the way out. They didn’t say anything, which I remember thinking was at least a bit respectful. I think we just went back home so she could rest. It was an extremely emotional experience for her. She seemed to be dealing with a lot of guilt and conflict over the decision we had made.

We continued with our trip to Mexico. We flew down and the traveling went relatively smoothly. Once we were there, her emotions continued to challenge her. We got into spats, she struggled to maintain her composure while meeting my family, and she got frustrated by things large and small. I tried to be the rock, the barrier between her and everything, but once again I felt mostly helpless and small. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. I knew it had to be worse than I what I was feeling.  I felt pretty terrible but relieved at the same time. Then, realizing the relief, I felt guilty that I was relieved.

The rest of the trip went much the same way. It was a roller coaster. I think my parents were frustrated with her emotionality, but we had decided not to tell anyone. It seemed like it needed to be a secret, not something you tell even family.

I think it wasn’t until much later that I told anyone else about it. I told my brother, but that was it. That was probably after we had already broken up, which happened about a year later. I had moved back to Minnesota after graduating and she still had another semester to go. The long distance magnified some of the dysfunction in the relationship, and we didn’t make it very long as a long-distance couple.

As we broke up, I remember her telling me that it was twins that we had aborted. To this day I don’t know if that is true or if it was said just to try to hurt me or make me feel more guilt for the decision we had made. It did make me feel worse for some reason. Twins seem like they would have been a special thing.

In the end, I still think we did the right thing. The fact that the relationship ended the way it did, the timing of it all, that we both ended up with successful careers, that she is married with a husband and had children make me feel like things worked out. I can’t imagine what life would have been like if we had chosen to have to be parents then. I would like to believe I would have been a good father, but I know I was not ready (even though everyone says you are never ready). From a Facebook distance, seeing her beautiful family gives me hope that she eventually worked through her emotions and that her grief passed. It would appear that she is now happy, has a career of her own and that things turned out as she would have hoped them to.

If I went back, I think I would have taken more ownership of the decision when it was made. Sometimes I think that by not giving my open opinion, it may have put a more undue burden on her. Even though I have yet to have children of my own, I still think that the decision was the right one for us. I was able to pursue work, passions and take some time to find a career path that likely would have been much different with a family to consider. I cannot imagine the pressure I would have felt to provide for the family, especially if she had been forced to drop out of school to care for our child.

This may not be the decision that everyone would have made, but the point is that it was a decision and that she was able to choose what her body went through and to map her life to a certain extent. I believe that the decision allowed both of us to continue to evolve and to contribute more to society. The beauty of life is that every decision leads you somewhere. It just depends where you want to go.

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