After continuing to work through my emotional barriers, and putting myself back on the dating market a bit in recent months, I have begun to think about ideology and dating. It has always amazed me how picky many are when it comes who makes the cut. Some are so specific about what they are looking for, which I always thought was a bit ridiculous because in the next breath they will complain about how limited the dating pool is already (especially as you get into your thirties! Yikes!). It always seemed to me is like draining the pool, and nobody actually enjoys the wading pool.
Now, as a vegan, I find myself in a similar quandary as many of those that are kicking it in their own respective wading pools. Should I only date other vegans? Would vegetarians or those that are open to change make reasonable partners? Many truly don’t seem to have the capacity to understand my lifestyle if they have not at least attempted being vegan or plant-based for any period of time, and this makes it hard to relate on those levels, although there are growing options for restaurants that effectively cater to omnivores and vegans alike.
As I thought about this issue more, it made me think of things that could be comparable, ethical dilemmas as this is only one of my identifying characteristics. People make these decisions on a daily basis and even more, they advertise them on their profiles. If I had a penny for every profile that said, “If you voted for Trump, swipe left.”, then I would have at least enough for some Reverie, maybe even some Fig + Farro. Damn, now I’m hungry…
We self-select all the time on what a potential partner must have in common, or share. I find this to be particularly true for belief systems. As open-minded as many claim to be, they rarely are willing to date outside of certain beliefs that they hold close. Religion may be the most common example of ideological based self-limitations being placed in the dating game. To a certain extent, I can understand holding those beliefs and wanting to share them with a partner, and potentially raise children in a manner consistent with that belief system. I have experienced this disqualification first-hand, since I am not a religious person. This canyon of belief is sometimes too wide for people to traverse.
Personally, I don’t exclude anyone based on their religious or spiritual beliefs because I think everyone is entitled to their own. I am often interested to learn more about religion, and would participate in it to a certain extent if it helped me better understand my partner.
Should it be the same for veganism? Is it enough for the person to be open-minded about it, and be willing to learn? What if they say they will never ‘convert’, as I would unlikely to actually convert to any religion for a partner? Is it hypocritical to expect a partner to change their beliefs to align with mine when it comes to living cruelty-free?
All that being said and mulled over, I have been pleasantly is surprised how many people are open to trying ‘vegan’ on for size. Although, I am not sure how many have the willpower to make it a lifestyle, longer term. Disclaimer, if you aren’t vegan and end up dating me, be prepared for some documentaries… After those, and hearing my rationale, a few women I have dated made changes, at least temporarily. For that, I was grateful that we had it to bond over and I appreciated that they had the compassion to see that they could be part of what I think is a huge part of the solution for so many of the ills of the world. Is that too much to expect? Setting the bar too high?
What are your thoughts when it comes to finding love?
Are these things the same as any other “deal-breakers”?
What are the limits to prerequisites?
Would you make an ultimatum to a potential partner about anything? If so, what?
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5 thoughts on “dating in the wading pool”
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I like that you’re comparing food with religion here. I’ve said for a long time that the way people eat is often as emotionally-tied as any other important qualifier. Food means more to us than just nutrition (or lack thereof) to power through the day. It’s what our moms made us when we were sick, or dad’s favorite summer grill recipe, or grandma’s famous holiday staple, or a special recipe passed down each generation. When southern cooking is criticized for being fat- and salt-laden, people often take it really personally and defend it with an emotion usually reserved for greater offences. So yes, I can see how being a vegan can introduce some dating road blocks that feel similar to religious differences.
You raise some good questions and this is definitely a hotly debated topic! My thinking on this has evolved over the years and who knows how it might change in the future, but as for now, I won’t completely rule someone out if they’re not vegan. I haven’t always been vegan and sometimes we need someone to remove the blindfold. I think once people have a decent amount of information as to all the destruction that takes place due to not being vegan, it will speak a lot on their character what they do with that information. I’ve learned that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about very important issues and doesn’t want to take personal responsibility for their actions. Some might think it’s extreme or close-minded, but I like to make this comparison- if you were a dog rescuer and your partner was eating dogs, how would you feel? As someone who is not speciesist, I see it no differently from eating cats and dogs. I can’t save a chicken from slaughter and come home to find my partner eating a chicken. Taking it to another level, as an activist, it would be tough to seriously date someone who isn’t also an activist. It takes up a lot of my time and some people aren’t willing to accept that, so it’s like I have to be able to do activism with them, or my time spent with them will be somewhat limited. This is a big part of why I’ve had to take a step back from relationships, because my focus is elsewhere currently! Overall, I think knowing what you want and staying true to yourself is what’s important. Some people try SO hard to find love and make exceptions, then they end up unhappy because their partner can’t relate to them on things that mean a lot to them!
Very good points! I appreciate your comment! Hope to hear more from others.
It is definitely hard to rule people out right away. I haven’t done that either to this point. It does reach a point, however, when you question what their values are once you’ve had discussions on topics, etc.
You have very valid concerns and thoughts regarding this; relationships can be tricky!
If you are just dating around and involved in a Mutually casual situation, it may not matter what that particular persons lifestyle consists of. Typically, the only intimate time would be spent not eating or practicing any religious activity…so no harm no foul, right?
If you come across someone who you feel could be a partner/long term, I do think morals and lifestyle need to be aligned. Yes, opposites attract, but on a foundational level, things could get complicated if your partner isn’t plant based, yet you are, or you aren’t religious, but they are. What we eat, and how we imply our moral compass in the world is something that Is clearly practiced for survival on a daily basis. It’s always lovely to explore, be open, and learn; knowledge of religion and culture is always fascinating, however, in my opinion, expecting one to practice your lifestyle or their lifestyle to remain in harmony and avoid future resentment is unrealistic.
I agree that is makes it hard to be free of any resentment or judgement on these matters. I think with ideals, there is a moralistic highground that accompanies often, and even the most grounded can have a sense of superiority at times.
Some of these things can be checked and is work to be done, as is needed in any relationship. What is the difference between work that needs to be done in one area and the work that needs to be done to maintain something in others?